This is why it’s important to give a damn about what others think of you.
This is for all the self-improvement junkies
This goes against popular advice offered by self-help gurus around the world.
This is for the self-improvement junkies (I’m one too). The ones sick of people telling them to ‘stop caring what people think’.
Well it’s time you knew —
There’s a good side to this.
As a good friend of mine likes to say, “Everything is both an advantage and a disadvantage”
On one side, you have all the self-help world, telling you to stop giving a damn. And on the other — you have me, and sweet ol’ grandmas, telling you to be more sensitive.
But I won’t play the emotional card.
I’ll address the rational being inside you, through logic and some well researched facts.
Reason no. 1 — It’s the best motivator known to man
The Social Facilitation effect
Let’s start with a little thought experiment —
Close your eyes and imagine you’re running in a park, all alone. What do you see? A relaxed run around the park? Moving at a good speed, fairly in control of your breathing, yes?
Now, imagine the park is magically populated with 100 people, all cheering you on while you run.
Ok stop. In the second part of this thought experiment, you may have felt an urge to speed up. And your heart beat just a bit faster. If you felt nothing, then you’re probably dead inside and you can just take my word this would happen in real life.
Fine, don’t take my word.
Take Norman Triplett’s.
…
Who?
Norman Triplett.
He was a psychologist at Indiana University in 1898. While busy monitoring the performance of cyclists as part of an experiment, he observed something curious. He found these cyclists, performed better when competing against fellow cyclists, rather than against the clock.
Norman labelled this, the social facilitation effect. And according to this, the mere presence of other people can lead to a spike in performance.
Did Norman just give a fancy name for ‘people love competing’?
Perhaps.
But more important are the discoveries that follow.
In 1972, Nickolas B. Cottrell figured out WHY this happens. He figured that this increased motivation is caused by our concern that those present will be evaluating our performance. And this — ladies & gentlemen, is my mic-drop moment.
Here’s the proof that social facilitation or the ‘what will they think of me’ syndrome is the driving force behind human achievement. This is the phenomenon behind the space race, the moon race and the rat race — three concepts essential to the advancement of human civilisation. All based on our need to ‘show the world that we are better than they think we are’.
Walt Disney said it best:
I have been up against tough competition all my life. I wouldn’t know how to get along without it.
It seems, this desire to do better than the other, is not only a part of us, but also essential to our happiness.
Reason no. 2 — It’s the key to happiness
Our desire for relative advantages is not irrational: such advantages may make us happier.
In 1974, Richard Easterlin, an economist, found that although a country’s richer citizens are happier than its poorer ones, as countries become richer, their citizens do not become happier — a contradiction known as the Easterlin paradox. Happiness, Easterlin reasoned, must depend on one’s wealth relative to one’s compatriots: When everyone gets richer, no one gets happier.
The Easterlin paradox: when everyone gets richer, no one gets happier.
A study of 12,000 Britishers supports this. An increase in income boosted satisfaction only when it increased in comparison to peers.
It’s simple really.
It’s in our nature to care about how we’re perceived. To paraphrase Einstein — everything is relative. Not just time, but even success & happiness.
Even artists, despite their claims otherwise, create art to be observed & consumed by others. Hugh Jackman in the Prestige, captures this best. Behold his conversation with Christian Bale:
Alfred Borden: Look here… you went halfway around the world. You spent a fortune. You did terrible things… really terrible things, Robert. And all for nothing.
Robert Angier: For nothing?
Alfred Borden: Yeah.
Robert Angier: You never understood… why we did this? The audience knows the truth — the world is simple… and miserable….
But if you could fool them, even for a second, then you can make them wonder. And then you… then you got to see something very special…It was… it was the look on their faces.
How then, can we claim to not care about the opinions of others? When this exact phenomena provides such strong fuel & motivation.
But what if the feedback is negative?
Aha!
To that I’d say…
Reason no. 3 — Negative opinions too, can be stimulating
Take Fred Alistair. In 1933, Fred was a budding actor and performed at a screen test, only to be handed a note saying: “Can’t sing. Can’t act. Balding. Can dance a little.”
What do you think happened to him?
Fred went on to become the man who was called by the American Film Institure as the 5th greatest male star of the last 100 years.
And that note?
He had it framed and placed it above his fireplace.
In other words, Fred Alistair cared. He cared so much, that instead of dismissing those words — Fred paid heed. He worked hard everyday to prove them wrong.
The question this prompts is — should we actually be fighting this seemingly basal human instinct of ‘paying heed to other people’s opinion’? Or should we accept it’s presence and seek to make the most of it?
Do we really need to suffer criticism or negativity or even pay heed to such opinions?
Is there a better reason to care?
Turns out, there’s a damn good one.
Reason no. 4 — Not caring can lead you down the wrong path.
Q — When in life do we start caring what people think?
A — Before we even learnt to walk.
As babies — every emotion or action (crying, screaming, laughing) gets a response from parents. Their reaction, ranging from love to joy to anger, provides us with hints on whether we’re doing something right or wrong. These reactions form the basis of our behaviour in the future.
Since birth, our actions are influenced by how they affect another. And we learn early on, to adapt our behaviour based on how others view it.
And sometimes, it’s useful to adapt, to learn, to change. And opposing this, signals a defeatist and close minded attitude.
Because the danger otherwise, is that we may get embroiled in a certain way of thinking. The ‘I’m right, they’re wrong’ syndrome. And this is dangerous, because once we start closing off our eyes and ears to criticism, we’re in trouble. Criticism is invaluable.
Criticism may not be agreeable, but it is necessary. It fulfils the same function as pain in the human body; it calls attention to the development of an unhealthy state of things. If it is heeded in time, danger may be averted; if it is suppressed, a fatal distemper may develop
- Winston Churchill
Criticism sucks, so our ego doesn’t even let us consider whether the critic is right or wrong. Our mind takes the easy route and fights thought in our minds — effectively complicating the situation way more than it ought to be.
Here’s an exercise — the next time someone says something negative, don’t resist it. Accept their words, allow them to wash over you. And this is, the harder part.
Accept, don’t resist.
I’m not handing out random advice here. This is a technique used in Dialectic Behaviour Therapy or DBT. It is the tool psychiatrists use to help people deal with emotional stress.
Amazing things can happen when we accept instead of resist.
Oprah Winfrey knows.
While working as a new anchor, she was told by her producer that she was “unfit for television news”. The host of one of America’s all time popular shows, unfit for television news?
Idiotic, right?
Wrong.
The producer knew exactly what he was talking about. Oprah admits it herself: “I was not a good television reporter. I was too emotional”.
Being emotional is a great quality for a talk show host, not so much for a reporter.
If Oprah had dismissed her producer’s words as the ramblings of a madman, she would have quit the studio and applied elsewhere for anchor. Because she had an open mind, she was given an opportunity to co-host a talk show in the same studio.
You know how this story ends.
It pays to heed other people’s opinion of you.
I felt so empowered, the moment I realised that something I’d considered a weakness all my life, could actually be a strength. I hope you feel the same. Feel free to leave your comments, but be gentle.
I obviously care about what you think.
P.S. this obviously isn’t black & white.
If you’re someone who cares a LOT, craves external approval, AND it stops you from doing stuff you wanted to, that’s a sign you need to tone it down.
If you could use some help with that, feel free to reach out to me, here on Linkedin or via email.
I’d be happy to help you talk through it.
